Why Do I Keep Falling for Unavailable People?
Hey there! Have you ever found yourself crushing on someone who just isn’t available—maybe they’re already in a relationship, emotionally distant, or just not looking for love? It’s frustrating, right? You’re not alone. So many of us fall into this pattern without even realizing it. Let’s dig into why this keeps happening and what you can do about it. Don’t worry—I’ll keep it simple, like we’re chatting over coffee.
What Does “Unavailable” Really Mean?
First, let’s figure out what “unavailable” looks like. It’s not always super obvious, but here are some common signs:
- They’re Taken: They’ve got a partner, spouse, or someone else in their life.
- Emotionally Closed Off: They don’t open up, share feelings, or let you in.
- Not Ready for Commitment: They say things like “I’m not looking for anything serious.”
- Physically Distant: Maybe they live far away or are always too busy to connect.
If you’re nodding along, you’ve probably met a few of these types. So why do they keep catching your eye?
The Pull of the Unattainable
There’s something about unavailable people that hooks us. It’s not random—there’s a reason behind it. Let’s break it down.
1. The Thrill of the Chase
Ever notice how exciting it feels to want someone you can’t fully have? It’s like a game. When someone’s unavailable, your brain kicks into “challenge mode.” You start thinking, If I can just win them over, it’ll feel amazing. That rush can be addictive, even if it doesn’t end well.
2. Fear of Real Connection
Here’s a tough one: sometimes, deep down, we’re scared of a real, open relationship. Unavailable people feel “safe” because they won’t demand too much from us emotionally. If they’re not fully there, you don’t have to be either. It’s like keeping one foot out the door.
3. The Fantasy Factor
When someone’s unavailable, you don’t see their flaws up close. You build them up in your head—imagining this perfect version of them. Reality doesn’t get in the way, so they stay this dreamy, unreachable prize.
Digging Deeper: Why Me?
Okay, so unavailable people are magnetic—but why do you keep falling for them? It’s not just bad luck. There’s usually something personal going on. Let’s look at a few possibilities.
1. Past Experiences Shape You
Think about your past. Did someone important—like a parent or an ex—feel distant or hard to reach? If you grew up chasing love that wasn’t fully given, you might be wired to repeat that now. It feels familiar, even if it hurts.
2. Low Self-Worth Sneaks In
Do you ever feel like you don’t deserve someone who’s all-in? If you’re secretly doubting yourself, you might gravitate toward people who won’t fully choose you. It’s like your heart’s saying, This is all I’m worth.
3. You’re a Fixer
Some of us love a project. If someone’s unavailable, you might think, I can change them. I can make them see me. It’s noble, but it rarely works—and it can leave you exhausted.
The Emotional Rollercoaster
Falling for unavailable people isn’t just confusing—it’s a wild ride. Here’s what it might feel like:
- Highs: When they give you a crumb of attention, it’s euphoric. A text, a smile—it’s enough to keep you hooked.
- Lows: Then they pull back, and you’re left wondering what you did wrong.
- Stuck in the Middle: You’re not moving forward, but you can’t let go either.
Sound familiar? That push-and-pull can keep you stuck for months—or even years.
Breaking the Cycle
Good news: you don’t have to stay in this loop forever. It takes some effort, but you can shift things. Here’s how to start.
1. Get Honest with Yourself
Ask yourself: Why am I into this person? Be real. Are you chasing a feeling? Avoiding something else? Writing it down can help you see the pattern.
2. Check Your Standards
Make a list of what you really want in a partner. Available should be at the top. Next time you catch feelings, hold them up to that list. If they don’t fit, walk away.
3. Work on You
This one’s big. Build up your confidence. Do things that make you feel good—hobbies, friends, whatever lights you up. When you feel solid on your own, you’re less likely to settle for scraps.
4. Say No to Crumbs
If someone’s only half there, don’t take the bait. You deserve more than a maybe. Practice saying, “Thanks, but I’m looking for something real.”
5. Give Available People a Chance
It might feel boring at first—no chase, no drama—but try it. Someone who’s ready to show up can surprise you in the best way.
What If They Become Available?
Here’s a twist: sometimes an unavailable person does become free. They leave their partner, move closer, whatever. Does that fix everything? Not always. If they were emotionally distant before, that might not change. Ask yourself: Do I want them, or did I just want to win?
The Bigger Picture
Falling for unavailable people isn’t a life sentence. It’s a habit—and habits can shift. Think of it like this: every time you choose yourself over someone who can’t choose you, you’re rewriting the story. You’re teaching your heart what it deserves.
A Little Patience Goes a Long Way
This won’t flip overnight. You might slip up, crush on another unavailable soul. That’s okay. Notice it, learn from it, and keep going.
Love Isn’t a Race
You don’t have to rush into the next thing. Take your time. The right person—the one who’s there for you—won’t make you feel like you’re begging for their attention.
Wrapping It Up
So, why do you keep falling for unavailable people? It’s a mix of excitement, old patterns, and maybe a little self-doubt. But here’s the thing: you’re not broken. You’re just human. And humans can grow. Start small—notice the signs, tweak your choices, and give yourself some grace. One day, you’ll look back and wonder why you ever chased what wouldn’t stay.
What do you think? Ready to break the cycle—or at least give it a nudge? You’ve got this.
0 Comments